omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
