You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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