WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize