oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I believe in your delicious
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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