that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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