I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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