hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
