Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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