Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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