I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
