Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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