i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
