He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
