god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
