Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
