I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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