It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
