party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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