i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
