Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
