Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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