so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
