remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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