you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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