I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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