How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
