dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
