Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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