I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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