You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
