If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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