Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
