I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she told me i tasted like america
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
