I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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