Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
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