Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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