covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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