Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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