i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
