I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
