frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
