1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
