three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
