Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
