end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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