he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize