every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
