Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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