i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
