what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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