He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
