You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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