I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
