if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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