...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
