Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
