i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
