Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
