i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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