o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What a dumb baby whore.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize