I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Girls should come with a carfax report
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
