He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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